This is the absolute number one thing I hate in houses. Carpet is disgusting. It’s gross and nasty. Everything you bring into the house gets ground down into it and stuck in it and no matter how much you vacuum, traces are left behind. All it takes is one accident and your carpet is stained FOREVER (and let’s face it, I’m clumsy enough that I’d spill a bigass glass of Kool-Aid all over it immediately). Not to mention, when it comes time to rip carpeting out to replace it, you’re liable to find years of dead skin cells / fur & hair / insect shit on top of the sub floor, where it has been waiting and trying to kill you through your allergies while you were unsuspecting and vulnerable.
Carpet is no bueno for pet owners. My cats are clean; Canadian Bacon and I brush them regularly and keep their nails clipped, but they still shed. Their fur gets embedded in the carpet and that’s nasty. Carpet begins to smell like pets after awhile. And heaven forbid your pet has an accident on it – see above, it will NEVER come out. No matter how perfect your critter is, there will always be an accident. I’m looking at you, Q (who impressively hairballed for three hours all over my apartment, including hanging off the stairs like a drunken sorority girl on a balcony in NOLA). And don’t even get me started on carpet when you have kids… that’s like cats x infinity. Ewww. I will never willingly live in a carpeted place again.
Disclaimer: Area rugs are okay because you can throw those bitches out if they get nasty. Also, I encourage door mats to help keep entryways clean (as long as they don’t say “Welcome” on them, because that’s inviting some bad shit into your house unwittingly – go watch Buffy if you don’t believe me).
Doors: Gliding and Six Panel
I have lived my entire life inside houses that have closets with gliding doors. These things are the devil. They constantly fall off their tracks. They don’t really save space because you just gotta move them around to get to where you want to go. And if you have sliding patio doors, that’s like those closet doors but WORSE because they weigh a bajillion pounds more. French doors, people, or maybe even bifolds. They look so much neater and open so much wider. I can remember the first place I lived that had bifolds on the closet… it was like the heavens opened up and angels sang. After that, if I lived in a place that had gliding doors, I removed them and hung a curtain instead.
And let’s talk about our normal interior hollow-core doors while we’re ranting, why don’t we? Why do all builder-basic houses have 6-panel hollow-core doors? There are so many crosses on every threshold that these new houses gotta be damn near vampire-proof. Is that the reason behind that bit of design? I knew that I didn’t want to put in 6-panel doors here, but I was afraid I’d have to because I figured that, based on their prevalence, they had to be way cheaper than the competition. Imagine my surprise when it came time to pick out doors and I discovered that TONS of other styles cost the same damn amount. We got super cute two-panel round-top carriage-style doors. You can get the plain flat doors too, which can be dressed up with moulding to look custom and way pricier for super cheap. I am baffled as to why 6-panels are everywhere. Maybe because I live in the south and everyone’s super religious? Or because they want their houses to be vampire-free?
Disclaimer: This rant does not count pocket doors, which are just cool as shit, or barn doors, which have heavy-duty hardware and lay flat on the wall out of the way. Those are fine. As long as they don’t have six panels.
Patterns: Chevron & Ikat
Sorry, blogosphere, but I hate chevron and ikat… and they’re everywhere. Chevron is so overplayed and, let’s face it, ikat looks like a hippie vomited a bunch of psychedelic shit on a sheet. These patterns are overdone and uncool. Who wants to take the time to plot out chevron patterns and then lay them out with Frogtape, anyway?
PS: Moroccan, trellis, quatrefoil and damask, you’re still awesome.
Colors: Gray & Yellow
Gray is such a beautiful and diverse color. It can be cool. It can be warm. It can be soothing. It can be dramatic. Why the hell is it paired with godawful yellow 95% of the time? I dislike that color combination and it’s everywhere. When I was little, I got sick and had to take these pills that were yellow and tasted terrible. I remember vomiting after taking them once and my puke was that same shade of nauseating, sulfuric yellow. Ever since then the color makes me ill. Let’s pair gray with navy, or with red, or with a nice plum. It can go with anything! Don’t curse it to only be paired with puketastic yellow!
And for that matter, grellow? Griege? Those colors need to go away. Do you know what I was calling “grellow” long before that term was coined? “Babyshit green.” Yeah. Dwell on that one.
Finishes: Almond Outlets, Switches, & Wallplates
Nothing screams “old outdated home” to me like almond-colored outlets, switches, and wallplates. I can only assume it became popular at the same time as orange couches and avocado-colored refrigerators. That’s totally Bradytastic and looks dirty. No matter how much you wipe down the faceplate, it stays dingy. One of the simplest and cheapest updates you can do is to switch these buggers out. Here in our basement, we installed all bright white electrical – it looks clean and brilliant against our saturated and cold walls. At my Mom’s house, where we’re renovating her kitchen and dining room, Canadian Bacon is in the process of replacing all of hers with glossy black, which will look beautiful against her warm cream-colored walls. Almonds are delicious but their namesake colored plastics need to go.
PS: If you really want to sink some money into it, go with decorative plates. If you do one room at a time, it can be pretty inexpensive and will last damn near forever. My Meemaw has some iron and brass fixtures that have been around since I was a baby. All of our wallplates are actually a brushed nickel, and 4 of them cost around $20 at Lowes.
Please keep in mind, dear friends, that although I have no interior design training at all, I do have my own blog and therefore my word is law.
I can’t even keep from snort/laughing when I read that. Seriously though, I hope my strongly-worded opinions on interior design didn’t alienate anyone. I still love my friends. Even if they do have carpet and decorate with gray and yellow.